In a single day there are so many hurdles and struggles that Gabriella has to deal with and that David and I go through in the trenches with her. Her little body just aches all the time, I know it does because of the reactions that she has at times to certain things. But she is scared to admit the pain because that might mean that she won't be allowed to do something that she wants to do. Or it might limit her ability and she will never admit defeat.And it will mean more medicine and she will never admit to us that she needs another medicine. Bless her heart, she inherited a great deal of stubbornness from her mama.
Just playing outside is no easy task. Running through the yard takes greater skill for her than anyone could understand. Chemo affects her nerve endings and makes it to where she has a difficult time just walking, much less running. But how do you tell your 3-year old not to run outside? You don't, You watch them run and help them up when they fall. You encourage every little step she makes and kiss all the battle scars at the end of the day. Some days, I just wish she could be a little girl and run and play like she used to.
G has wanted to take ballet lessons for forever it seems. Unfortunately, it's not offered anywhere near us. Her balance is so off due to chemo that I'm not sure she would even be able to do it, but I would never say that in front of her. I thought about putting her into gymnastics but then again, I'm not sure with her balance issues that she would be able to do it. Perhaps, I'm letting my fears of what might happen get in the way.
Then comes the night.....G has never been one to sleep with David and I. She loved her bed and loved sleeping by herself. But after she got sick and spent so much time in the hospital and at doctor's offices, it's almost impossible to get her to sleep alone. Most every night we will put her to bed in her bed and within a few hours, sometimes less she ends up coming into our room crying and saying that she can't sleep. I don't know if she is honestly not sleepy or if she is scared. She won't admit that she is afraid of anything. I pray daily that Christ will open her heart to admit things to us. To tell us if she is afraid of something or if something scares her. I try to comfort her and tell her that Jesus is always with her and loves her so very much.
Going out into public is another hurdle and daily struggle that we deal with. Yes, I realize that it's probably not everyday that you see a beautiful, bald, 3 year old little girl wearing a pink tutu in the middle of Wal-Mart or Dollar Tree. But is it necessary to stare a hole through me and her?!?!?! My mommy defenses immediately go into overdrive and I do everything in my power to prevent people from coming up and asking rude questions. Don't get me wrong, I love for people that are truly concerned about her well-being and ours to ask how she is, ask how her treatment is going, ask if she is having a good day or a fun time out in town. But when grown adults come up to me and ask me what's wrong with that little girl......I have to bite my tongue. Or when they sit across a room and stare non-stop and whisper every time you walk by. Gabriella and I both do not deal well with a lot of attention being drawn to ourselves. We never have. But I have prayed for God's grace to flow through me and pour out onto people that I come into contact with daily. People that are truly concerned and love us. But I have failed at praying for the ones that only stare, the ones that quietly whisper, and the ones that ask rude questions.
If I could protect G from every hurtful thing that would ever happen to her in her life I would do it!! I have been so hurt by people that I thought loved me...even.my own family. I have been disappointed and rejected and if I could make it to where none of my children ever had to experience that I would jump at the chance. Unfortunately, trials will come. God's word assures us that in this world there will be tribulation. "These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." John 16:33. David and I chose that verse at the very beginning of Gabriella's journey. We were already being attacked by the world but we took comfort in God's word.
David and I are so very thankful for all of you that pray, send food, send cards, call, text, send gifts, etc. Words cannot express our gratitude. Please pray for these daily struggles that we face and pray that we can find the wisdom and strength to guide G through them with ease.
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